Cheap-o “Moscato”

Because quotation marks don’t make food sound sketchy at all.

So today my mom wanted me to chill out because she thought I was being too irritable with her. Naturally, she decided the way to do this would be to give me alcohol (we’ll discuss parenting later).

Anyway, since there wasn’t any Moscato on sale at the store this week, momma decided to improvise. Here’s what she did.

+ 1 Bottle Cheap White Wine
+ 1 Can Sprite (or any similar soda)
+ Ice
+ Cherry (optional, I’m just a fancy fuck)
1. Seriously? Isn’t it kind of obvious what to do with that?

Calories: you’re drinking, who the fuck even cares?

So there you go! Alcohol that tastes kinda like Moscato. And if it doesn’t taste like Moscato, then shut up and drink more alcohol until you stop caring what it tastes like.

– Rhinibanini


These-Have-Been-In-The-Fridge-Too-Long Vegetable Roast

Today my mother asked me to deal with all the bell peppers that had been left in the fridge all week. My go-to with bell peppers is usually to roast them – I love how sweet and complex the flavors become, and roasted bell peppers are so much more versatile than raw ones, in my opinion.

Since I was going to be using the oven, I decided that I might as well make dinner, and hence, my produce-drawer-clearing roast was birthed!

+ 2 Red or Yellow Bell Peppers*
+ 3 Tomatoes
+ 3 Onions
+ 1 Head Garlic
+ Thyme
+ Oregano
+ 1 Mozzarella Ball
+ 1/4 Cup Olive Oil (roughly)
+ 1/5  Cup Balsamic Vinegar (roughly)
+ Salt
+ Pepper
1. Preheat the oven to 175° Celsius
2. Cut out the green circle where the stem to attach to the tomatoes using a sharp knife, then place the tomatoes cut-side down in a baking dish. Make a cross-shaped slit on the skin of the tomato on the side that faces up, so that the steam can escape when it’s cooking
3. Peel and slice onions in half, then place those and the whole head of garlic (unpeeled) in the baking dish with the tomatoes
4. Drizzle the vegetables with the olive oil and balsamic. Season generously with salt, pepper, thyme ad oregano
5. Place the bell pepper on a foil-lined baking tray
6. Place the baking tray and dish into the oven. Let roast for about 30 minutes while you enjoy a glass of cheap wine
7. Remove the bell peppers from the oven. They should be slightly blackened. Place them in a pot with the lid on (make sure the lid doesn’t have a steam vent), and let cool (20 minutes)**
8. Remove the baking dish from the oven after it’s been roasting for a total of 45 minutes. Let cool
9. Peel the skin off of the bell peppers and remove the stems and seeds, leaving yourself with something that looks like a fillet of roasted pepper. Slice the fillets into 1 inch strips
10. Break up the head of garlic and remove the skin from the cloves. Place the peeled cloves back in the baking dish
11. Peel the skin off the tomatoes, then roughly slice them and the onions into bite-size pieces
12. Place the sliced roasted bell pepper into the baking dish with the rest of the vegetables. Tear the mozzarella ball and place the pieces on top of the vegetables
13. Return the tray to the oven for another ten minutes to melt the cheese and voila!

* I actually roasted and peeled 6 bell peppers, but I saved the rest for salad/sandwich purposes

** This is meant to let the bell peppers steam while they cool so that the skin separates from the flesh and makes the peppers easier to peel

Calories: irrelevant in the face of such deliciousness


There you have it! A delicious, light dinner served with some good toasted home-made bread. I cut my bread into chunks and mixed it into the roast before serving so that it absorbed all the vegetable juices, but make sure you reserve some for mopping up the baking dish!



Ugly-Ass Mushroom Soup

Today I got bored/hungry and decided to come up with a new recipe. I had a pack of portobellos in the fridge and an unhealthy obsession with my hand-blender…


…and the end result was this unappetizingly-brown but very tasty mushroom soup.


So, leaving all Freudian implications about my hand-blender love aside, I’ll tell you how I made it.

+ 3 stalks celery
+ 2 carrots
+ 1 onion
+ 2 cloves garlic
+ 2 sun-dried tomatoes (in olive oil)
+ 1 tablespoon butter
+ 6 mini Portobello mushrooms (give or take)
+ water
+ 1 cup skim milk*
+ salt and pepper to taste
1. Peel your carrot, onions, and garlic, then roughly dice them and the celery
2. Slice mushrooms thinly
3. Place the chopped vegetables (but not the mushrooms) in a pot with the butter and two sun-dried tomatoes, saute on a medium heat until onions are clear
4. Add the mushrooms and continue to cook until the mushrooms are cooked (about 5 minutes)
5. Add enough water to cover the vegetables, then put lid on the pot and let the water boil
6. Turn down the heat, then add the milk
7. Take the pot off the stove, then use the hand-blender to puree the mixture until it becomes a nice a chunky mushroom-soup texture
8. Add salt and pepper to taste

Calories: I don’t freakin’ know, it’s cooking not physics

*I used skim milk since I ran out of regular, but go ahead and use regular for a creamier fattier taste, you pig.

I kinda just guesstimated the amount of milk to put in (I mean, who actually measures thing?), so maybe you can try blending the soup first before adding milk bit by bit until the color looks right to you or you run out of milk.

So there you go. Tell your friends. Eat soup. Or don’t. I don’t care.