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Actually Edible Apple Crumble

HUGE SUCCESS! Edible for people with normal standards (*most things are edible to me. Like my own cooking). I’ve been having this for breakfast two days in a row now, which really says something considering my laziness and the fact that this takes an hour of my life to make.

(Recipe modified from this post.)

Ingredients (Version 1):
+ 1 chopped apple
+ 2 tbsp almond milk*
+ 0.5 tsp vanilla
+ 0.5 tsp cinnamon
+ 1 tbsp greek yogurt
+ 2 tsp sugar
+ 3 tbsp quick oats**
+ 2 tsp flour
+ 1 tsp melted soy margarine
Instructions (Version 1):
1. Mix first six ingredients together and toss.
2. Mix last three ingredients together.
3. Combine and mix all ingredients.
4. Bake at 175 Celsius for 25 mins.***
5. Bake at 195 Celsius for 5-10 mins.
6. Leave in oven for 10 mins.

Calories: 235

* Or milk of your choice

** Add more to preference, I take no responsibility

*** Note: I used a 20cm diameter ceramic baking dish.

Ingredients (Version 2):
+ 0.5 chopped apple
+ 0.5 sliced banana
+ 0.5 tsp vanilla
+ 0.5 tsp cinnamon
+ 1 tbsp greek yogurt
+ 1 tsp stevia (substitute sugar)
+ 4 tbsp quick oats
+ 2 tsp flour
+ 1 tbsp applesauce
Instructions (Version 2):
1. Mix first six ingredients together and toss.
2. Mix last three ingredients together.
3. Combine and mix all ingredients.
4. Bake at 175 Celsius for 25 mins.
5. Bake at 195 Celsius for 5 mins.
6. Leave in oven for 10 mins.

Calories: 200

For some reason this second version became slightly too brown/charred when baked at ~200 C for 10 minutes, so 5 should probably do the trick.

Either way, this is parent-tested and approved to the point where they ate it voluntarily, which happens almost never.

TL;DR will not regret, this is good, do it now.

.

– Aims

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Cheap-o “Moscato”

Because quotation marks don’t make food sound sketchy at all.

So today my mom wanted me to chill out because she thought I was being too irritable with her. Naturally, she decided the way to do this would be to give me alcohol (we’ll discuss parenting later).

Anyway, since there wasn’t any Moscato on sale at the store this week, momma decided to improvise. Here’s what she did.

Ingredients
+ 1 Bottle Cheap White Wine
+ 1 Can Sprite (or any similar soda)
+ Ice
+ Cherry (optional, I’m just a fancy fuck)
Instructions
1. Seriously? Isn’t it kind of obvious what to do with that?

Calories: you’re drinking, who the fuck even cares?

So there you go! Alcohol that tastes kinda like Moscato. And if it doesn’t taste like Moscato, then shut up and drink more alcohol until you stop caring what it tastes like.

– Rhinibanini

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These-Have-Been-In-The-Fridge-Too-Long Vegetable Roast

Today my mother asked me to deal with all the bell peppers that had been left in the fridge all week. My go-to with bell peppers is usually to roast them – I love how sweet and complex the flavors become, and roasted bell peppers are so much more versatile than raw ones, in my opinion.

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Since I was going to be using the oven, I decided that I might as well make dinner, and hence, my produce-drawer-clearing roast was birthed!

Ingredients
+ 2 Red or Yellow Bell Peppers*
+ 3 Tomatoes
+ 3 Onions
+ 1 Head Garlic
+ Thyme
+ Oregano
+ 1 Mozzarella Ball
+ 1/4 Cup Olive Oil (roughly)
+ 1/5  Cup Balsamic Vinegar (roughly)
+ Salt
+ Pepper
Instructions
1. Preheat the oven to 175° Celsius
2. Cut out the green circle where the stem to attach to the tomatoes using a sharp knife, then place the tomatoes cut-side down in a baking dish. Make a cross-shaped slit on the skin of the tomato on the side that faces up, so that the steam can escape when it’s cooking
3. Peel and slice onions in half, then place those and the whole head of garlic (unpeeled) in the baking dish with the tomatoes
4. Drizzle the vegetables with the olive oil and balsamic. Season generously with salt, pepper, thyme ad oregano
5. Place the bell pepper on a foil-lined baking tray
6. Place the baking tray and dish into the oven. Let roast for about 30 minutes while you enjoy a glass of cheap wine
7. Remove the bell peppers from the oven. They should be slightly blackened. Place them in a pot with the lid on (make sure the lid doesn’t have a steam vent), and let cool (20 minutes)**
8. Remove the baking dish from the oven after it’s been roasting for a total of 45 minutes. Let cool
9. Peel the skin off of the bell peppers and remove the stems and seeds, leaving yourself with something that looks like a fillet of roasted pepper. Slice the fillets into 1 inch strips
10. Break up the head of garlic and remove the skin from the cloves. Place the peeled cloves back in the baking dish
11. Peel the skin off the tomatoes, then roughly slice them and the onions into bite-size pieces
12. Place the sliced roasted bell pepper into the baking dish with the rest of the vegetables. Tear the mozzarella ball and place the pieces on top of the vegetables
13. Return the tray to the oven for another ten minutes to melt the cheese and voila!

* I actually roasted and peeled 6 bell peppers, but I saved the rest for salad/sandwich purposes

** This is meant to let the bell peppers steam while they cool so that the skin separates from the flesh and makes the peppers easier to peel

Calories: irrelevant in the face of such deliciousness

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There you have it! A delicious, light dinner served with some good toasted home-made bread. I cut my bread into chunks and mixed it into the roast before serving so that it absorbed all the vegetable juices, but make sure you reserve some for mopping up the baking dish!

-Rhinibanini

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Teethbreaking Applenana Tarts

If you have a kid who’s switching out baby teeth for adult teeth and refuses to get his teeth pulled, make these and demand them be eaten. (Then make sentimental jewelry out of said baby teeth.)

The middle part was worth powering through the crust for, but I personally like teethbreaking crusts. The baking times in this recipe have been reduced, so this shouldn’t be as bricklike. I think. Haven’t tried again.

Ingredients: Crust
+ 1 tbsp soy margarine*
+ 7 tbsp wheat flour
+ 1 egg white
+ 1 tablet sucralose**
Ingredients: Filling
+ 0.5 banana
+ 1 tbsp applesauce
+ Optional: tiny apple slices
Instructions:
1. Mix all four ingredients for crust. Dough will be very sticky.
2. Grease cupcake tin. Divide dough into three balls.
3. Press dough into tin, forming cup shape. (Wet hands to prevent dough from sticking to you.)
4. Bake at 175 Celsius for 10 mins mid-oven, 10 mins at the bottom. Crusts should be solid.
5. Mash half banana with applesauce, scoop into crusts.
5.5. Add layer of sliced apple for decorative and/or bake control reasons.
6. Bake at 180 Celsius for 10-15 min at the top layer of the oven (or until apple slices are dry.)

Calories: 120 per toothbreaking tart.

* Or butter of your choice. Feel free to double. Or triple. Whatever.

** Hammer it until it becomes a fine powder. Alternatively use 1-3 tbsp sugar to taste.

I’ll probably try again with these new baking instructions, but the old product was still edible (if charred around the crust edges). But really, I’d rather just make apple crumble. This is too much work.

But, like, not bad, considering I basically winged it.

– Aims

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Ugly-Ass Mushroom Soup

Today I got bored/hungry and decided to come up with a new recipe. I had a pack of portobellos in the fridge and an unhealthy obsession with my hand-blender…

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…and the end result was this unappetizingly-brown but very tasty mushroom soup.

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So, leaving all Freudian implications about my hand-blender love aside, I’ll tell you how I made it.

Ingredients:
+ 3 stalks celery
+ 2 carrots
+ 1 onion
+ 2 cloves garlic
+ 2 sun-dried tomatoes (in olive oil)
+ 1 tablespoon butter
+ 6 mini Portobello mushrooms (give or take)
+ water
+ 1 cup skim milk*
+ salt and pepper to taste
Instructions:
1. Peel your carrot, onions, and garlic, then roughly dice them and the celery
2. Slice mushrooms thinly
3. Place the chopped vegetables (but not the mushrooms) in a pot with the butter and two sun-dried tomatoes, saute on a medium heat until onions are clear
4. Add the mushrooms and continue to cook until the mushrooms are cooked (about 5 minutes)
5. Add enough water to cover the vegetables, then put lid on the pot and let the water boil
6. Turn down the heat, then add the milk
7. Take the pot off the stove, then use the hand-blender to puree the mixture until it becomes a nice a chunky mushroom-soup texture
8. Add salt and pepper to taste

Calories: I don’t freakin’ know, it’s cooking not physics

*I used skim milk since I ran out of regular, but go ahead and use regular for a creamier fattier taste, you pig.

I kinda just guesstimated the amount of milk to put in (I mean, who actually measures thing?), so maybe you can try blending the soup first before adding milk bit by bit until the color looks right to you or you run out of milk.

So there you go. Tell your friends. Eat soup. Or don’t. I don’t care.

 

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-Rhinibanini

 

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Identity Crises Cupcakes

(This recipe was created by horribly mutilating this one from How Sweet It Is. Thanks.)

I felt pretty confused eating these because it felt like I was eating Bika Ambon or Kuih Apam or even Longevity Cake instead, neither of which I have had in many years. Of course, these similes are wasted on you if you’ve never had any of these things.

TL;DR they feel like steamed/sticky kueh and not normal cupcakes, but they’re not bad.

Ingredients:
+ 1 egg white
+ 1 tbsp sugar
+ 2 tbsp applesauce
+ 0.5 tsp flavoring of choice*
+ 1.5 tbsp almond milk**
+ 1/4 cup flour
+ 1/4 tsp baking powder
+ pinch of salt
Instructions:
1. Preheat oven to 175 Celsius or 350 Fahrenheit.
2. Beat wet ingredients, then add dry ingredients and beat until not lumpy.
3. Pour equally into two lined cupcake crevices.
4. Bake for about 15 minutes.

Calories: 115 each. Makes two cupcakes.

* **Notes: The original recipe called for 1 tsp vanilla, but I wanted pandan cupcakes. So I used 1 tsp pandan extract, and it was like being punched in the face with it. The way I like it. Also, substitute with milk of choice if you don’t have almond milk.

All things aside, flavor and consistency was satisfactory. Feel free to double on amount of sugar – this wasn’t so much sweet as fragrant? I’ll probably try with stevia or sucralose sometime if I get over the aftertaste. Lastly, I highly recommend either smearing the cupcake liners with oil (at your own risk) or letting them cool completely before eating. I had to eat a layer of cupcake off the first liner at the cost of my dignity, but the one I had next morning (i.e. just now) peeled off like a healthy cupcake liner should.

– Aims

 

7

Cake So Bitter It Hates You

(Adapted from this recipe, at Foodie Fiasco. That blog is pretty amazeballs.)

This is also my favorite thing right now, whatever that says about me. If you like ridiculously dark chocolate, you’ll probably like this. In fact, I think all the non-chocolate ingredients in this recipe exist only to keep the chocolate bits stuck together, otherwise you’d just be snorting cocoa.

Ingredients:
+ 3 tbsp unsweetened cocoa powder
+ 2 tbsp cinnamon applesauce
+ 3 tbsp almond milk
+ 1/4 tsp vanilla extract
+ 1/4 tsp baking powder
+ 1 egg white
Instructions:
1. Preheat oven to 190 Celsius or 375 Fahrenheit.
2. Mix ingredients in listed order, adding egg white when well-mixed.
3. Pour into baking dish of choice*.
4. Bake for 20-30 mins, depending on baking dish.

Calories: 100

*Note: I’ve made this with two different dishes. One was 20cm diameter, and the batter became 0.5cm thick. It was dry and probably a tiny bit burnt, not that that made a difference. The one I’m using now has a 9cm diameter, and the batter became 6cm thick. The top is beautiful, but the bottom is too wet. I’m working on that.

Also, I don’t own a microwave. The last time I tried to use one, they had to evacuate the building.

If you want to skimp on the baking, figure that out yourself.

 

The layout makes them look like boobs. There, I said it.

– Aims